Trust in Him

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Do Not Turn Me Away (Journal)

Before the soldiers entered with Him,
She was at the pillar.
And when they entered, only He saw,
The face of His young daughter.
With one hand, He closed her eyes,
As she knelt down near Him.
His groans she heard,
His blood she felt,
But the whip she could not see.
(Flower Petals)

Dear Jesus,
You shield my eyes from the horror and brutality of your passion. You cause me to be unable to understand the depth of your pain and destitution because it would overcome me with grief. My Beloved, I do not want to be guarded from this, I want to suffer this pain with you and come to the full realization of its intensity. Do you not see that my heart longs to be yours? Do you not see that I long to be tormented with you, so that I may be your consolation? Your very presence is all the strength I need, allow me to lift some of the burden of loneliness from your weary heart. My Jesus, I love you and wish not only to be united to you in your joys, but in your sufferings as well.

Please give me the grace to understand the pain that you suffered, which my mind cannot fathom on its own. This pain of body, yes, and spirit. Thus will I come closer to you in love and offer greater love and sacrifice for my neighbor. My Jesus, this is the supernatural joy I desire! Let my meditations on your love no longer be empty but filled with the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit. I will spend day and night meditating you until your reality overcomes and fulfills me. This I ask humbly, with the sole intention of giving to you the love, consolation, and pleasure I long to give.

Your wisdom, love, and goodness is infinite... do not shield me from the beauties of Yourself, even if to be exposed directly to them would give me some pains, I know that if it was yours it is nothing less than perfection of spirit and fulfillment of body. I want to be your servant, yes, and will follow in your footsteps wherever they may lead. Like a lamb I will only panic if, even for a moment, I am not at your side. I will only rejoice if, in my desperate following of you, I run headfirst into the thorns that love deigns to tread barefoot. Do you not take pity on your little one who wants only to be with you? Would you allow my weaknesses to keep me from you? Certainly I am not strong enough to fight the battles that you have fought for me... but at least allow me to try with the strength of your company.

My Jesus, to read about your passion only brings tears to my eyes and inconsolable sorrow to my heart. I thought you promised me consolation? Did you not say that I will be sad, and then will receive a joy that no one would take from me? Why then would you allow me to die in my mourning of your death? The greatest trials of my life has been as fly bites and my greatest spiritual troubles have been as slight discontent in the face of the pain you received from just one sin, or just one thorn. You read my heart, you know I fear pain and suffering, so do you not see that it is for love of you that I would gladly endure it? You know my mind, yes, you know that my very nature denounces the stupidity of my request... and yet can you not see that my soul longs more to love you than any physical hindrance could refuse? Know, therefore, that your little lamb could not be separate from you even for the worst moments of your passion nor the sweetest moments of your joys... I must be with you always, do not turn me away.

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