Trust in Him

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Make Me Holy (Journal Entry)



"Be you therefore perfect, as also your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48)

Ordinarily, this journal entry would interest none but He to whom it is addressed. However, I am posting this because it is an example of how I seek holiness, and, although I have explained many times how one must always seek to be holy, I feel that this exemplifies my point in a helpful manner. It has often pained me to think of when I am not holy, for only through personal holiness can give to God and our neighbor perfect love.

My Jesus,

Truly I love you with every breath I breathe, every move I make, every thought I think, and with every beat of my heart. I love you so much that I cannot help but feel immense pain at my own wickedness. How many times I have not loved you! How eagerly I would say and do all good things, if only to please you... How much, even in my extreme spiritual poorness, I want to give you! Yes, I, a spiritual pauper, desire to bring to you priceless gems, many souls, compared to which I am like a dirty stone. So great is my love for you that my wish borders on insanity... for how can I hope to make these precious jewels flawless for your sake, and then offer them to you in my unworthy hands?

Sweet Master, I humbly ask you now to make me holy, so that I can cease to give you, others, and myself pain through my endless guilt. Lord, in your goodness, remove the scourge from my hand! If I lay it upon you once more I know I shall die of grief. My Lord! I would that you would tie a millstone about my neck before I, in my faults, lead your lambs astray. My Jesus, I am nothing... you are everything. I can do nothing unless you help me to become holy and close to you. What I wouldn't give for the blessings of holiness! But I blame no one but myself for my infidelity, for I am both weak and inclined to evil, therefore I humbly beg your mercy and repent.

Sweet Master, Divine Lord, My One Love, please do no think that I implore you for my sake alone. Let your merciful pity move you to see that I think not of myself but of others. I know that you love them... all your children... would you deny me the resources necessary to lead them to you by word and example? Do you not see that I love you and them without restriction and that is why I kneel before you now begging for love and virtue? Do you not see that the asset of holiness is not for me, but for you and your children?

One more thing, one more pitiful request I have, my love. This is the gift to be nothing and to be unknown, while remaining open and guileless. Dear Jesus, much would I give to see all my faults brought out into the open, to show with complete integrity of heart that I am unworthy of any good, but only of punishment. But beyond this, I wish with all my heart that I should not be considered at all. Indeed, far more could I give if my identity was to be lost in you, if I was an invisible tool in your hand. Perhaps this is the easiest way for my guilt to leave me and for me to become holy. May I find this beautiful abandonment, this perfect self-gift, while still on earth? So that I may give more to others by being purged with holiness myself? But then, even this would do no good unless it was your wish, and I submit myself wholly to your will.

You, who are so loving, give me more freedom and responsibility than one of my qualifications should have. You ask, as if it were the simplest request, for me to accept your forgiveness and approach you. I beseech thee Lord to remember my weaknesses. To travel the path of perfection, to know that I have hurt you, to unworthily strive to serve you and your children, and to remain separated from your consoling love is for me a living martyrdom. I pray you to make me holy, so that these goals to which love of you is driving me may no longer be unreachable. I have faith in your promises Lord and will do exactly as you say. I will seek the virtues so far beyond me because I love you and cannot stop loving you. I will approach your love, live and work for you and accept your generous forgiveness, simply because all these things are so unimportant compared to my love for you my Jesus. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on me and make me holy.

Dear Angel,

You have been one friend, who alone I can love above all else, save Christ. You are one who has been with me and guarded me through all my faults and trials. Your sweet gentle smile is engraved in my memory, and it consoles me, for it knows my sins and still smiles. Good angel, you see that I need you very much and that I ask you, my mentor and my friend, to help me to be holy and wise. I love my Jesus so much, and I long to please Him. Help me to do this. I love His children and will give everything to help them for His sake... help me help them. Don't you see, my angel, that you are my only confident? I ask you to treat me as a child. Discipline, train, and teach me without ceasing. Bring me close to Him, bring me to live in the incense of holiness. Do you not want this for your little charge? Make me well in soul by showing me how to discipline my disorderly person and serve Christ with perfect action. Do you not see it? I am asking no small favor, and yet I know that you, dear angel, will not refuse me. You who are my constant companion will surely whisper in my ears those things which draw me to Christ. You have never failed to stand by me and I am sure you never will. My friend, one who I can talk to and trust to my heart's desire, how could I not appreciate your faithfulness? Bring for me a flower and a hug to my Beloved.

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