Monday, April 5, 2010
My Mission (Journal)
I was blessed with the opportunity to spend the holiest days of the year on a mission with Regnum Christi. We participated in all the Holy Triduum services, visited a nursing home, held a kids camp, evangelized door to door, and much more. What I have left from this incredible spiritual experience is a compilation of notes and meditations. Although this journal does not relate my actions from day to day, it does contain many indications of the spiritual formation I experienced there. I can not promise comprehensible thought processes... but the prayers I have written here all indicate a deeper desire for perfection in some aspect of my life. Many of these thoughts are indeed more suited to the Easter Triduum, however, it is not unsuitable to consider Christ's passion in the midst of our rejoicing. Our rejoicing is complete when we contemplate that He rose from the dead, not that He just simply rose. God bless!
Dear Jesus, what can I give you? I long to give, and to console you. Can my name, my person, be a version of you, Christ? When am I biggest, I am weakest. If spiritual Strength, love, goodness is what I want to give, I must always be small. I set the bar of virtue so high that only you can reach over it and satisfy me. Help me to keep it high, and never be afraid to keep it high. Help me to stay high in virtue by being low enough temporally for others to pass over me. Let my precious purity make me beautiful in your eyes.
My God, hit me with lightening. Show me how I have hurt you. Now, quickly, show me before I hurt you again. To see all that is evil in myself would certainly oppress me with the greatest horror... and yet, I would sooner endure this and fly to your mercy than to continue hurting you who I love so deeply. Make me grateful for all you have done, moral in both mind and body, and filled with your living word. Jesus, have compassion, cover me with your blood which has been spilled in my redemption. Show me what love is, and make my love so strong that all I do reflects this love I have for you.
Gentle Jesus, I love you. I love you for the blood and water which fell from your heart. I love you for the wounds in your hands. I love you for your pierced feet, which I kiss and on which I pour out myself. I love you for your lips, which breathed the living word of God. I love you for your eyes, beautiful and powerful as they shone divine love. I love your face so torn, no sight is more beautiful to me than this ugliness and pain. I love you for your mercy, which gives a wretch like me the strength to stand before you. I love you for your holiness, which fills me like the scent of insence. I love you for your holy crown, the eptimome of romantic glory. I love you for the fingers which which you bless me, and the scepter by which you judge me. I love you Jesus, with my whole heart, soul, mind, body, and strength. Help me to always love you more and more!
"I have made you, for all time I have known you. Even if a mother should forget her child, I shall not forget you. I have carved you in the palm of my hand." We are the thoughts and heartbeats of Christ. Our faces have moved Him to do what He has done, and He has loved us for all time as we are, even in our imperfections. We are sustained by the will and love of God, and even in those things that are most imperfect about us, He never ceases to love us. His love has no conditions, and if we pour out our souls for Him in their genuine form, imperfections and virtue, He will receive it as a precious gift. Even when we betray Him, He loves us. Our guilt does not close us off from God. Through Christ's sacrifice, even in our shame we can grow closer to Him. God is not afraid of sin, He always wins. And, although it brings Him pain, Jesus always accepts us back. Like a rope that is continually knotted, His continual healing draws us even closer to Himself.
All that Christ suffered in the battle of sin He suffered so that the unwinable battle may be won. He died in great love of each one of us. His last words were all words of love expressing deep set virtue. He has said that we are carved in the palm of His hand, and it has become a painful carving. My Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me.
"The worst act of torture has turned into the greatest act of love."
My Jesus, how can I thank you for dying for me? What can I give to you and others. My Jesus, I would willingly pour out my spirit and my blood for any one of your children. Help me to likewise pour out all my energy, my strength, and my love to help them.
Dear Jesus, to be without your physical presence is very hard and brings me great sorrow. Sitting now, in an airy little chapel, I feel keenly the longing I have to be with you. My love, your passion has turned my filial love into the love which a bride has for her bridegroom. I love you, I long for you, and the purpose of my life is driven ruthlessly by the inner torments of the pain of a broken heart desiring to be made whole. Sweet Jesus, your death is the cause of my greatest mourning and the greatest joy. Sweet and gentle Jesus, the alter stands empty there, as you carry your cross and die...
My angel, I wonder what He felt like all the Passovers before His death? Do you know what He said in prayer? What did He say as He prayed? Drink in His words, my angel, and then send them off again from your lips on my behalf.
Suffering Lord, I look now upon your cross and see a form so torn and broken that I can hardly breath from the anguish it gives me to see my Love thus treated. I love you my Jesus, yet I would not take you down from the cross, which you have freely chosen to mount. You see, sweet Jesus, I can only cry for mercy at your feet, be strewn with your blood, so full of love, and receive the kiss of your death. There could never be any greater love than this.
As I sit here in silence, listening only to the rustling of the wind and beating of my own heart within my breast, looking with a steady gaze at the empty Tabernacle, I think only of the mutual love between my Lord and myself at the moment of His death. My breath comes easy, even in the midst of my sorrows, for as He suffers my burden is eased. I feel that I should feel pain, His pain at this moment... but love, though consumed with agony, is greater even than sorrows or happiness.
Dear Mary, Star of the Sea, I offer you any pride, vanity, and fear that may be within me, and which causes me to lack charity. Take them from me and make me pure and beautiful, so I can better serve My Jesus and others. I fear that I am not lovable, and have to strive to become so. Please show me that God's love and mercy are for me the way I am, and that when I try on my own to make Him and others love me more, I only become worse. Please intercede for me, that I may come to a perfect charity, a love greater than fear.
Lord, you teach that if we ask we shall receive, and if we seek, we shall find. You, our Father, do not abandon us in our needs, but send your Holy Spirit. Please send your Spirit to me, give me your wisdom, love, and gifts of holiness. Help me along the way, and I will follow you as a docile lamb. I love you, Lord, and I trust you. I know you know what is best for me, Jesus, I look through your eyes and see that you want what is good for me. If I simply follow you, and believe in you, then I shall never want for anything. You will never return evil for my plea for goodness, but always give better than I had intended.
"See Mother, I make all things new." Heart of my heart, let me die with you. You're not alone, I'm here. Let me die with you, don't leave me alone. You make all things new, my heart is ready, I come with you. "Father, forgive them."
Dear Mary, I commend myself to you. Please help me to obtain holiness. I do not want to be good and comfortable, I want to be holy, even if it is difficult. Indeed, I know that to see my faults in their entirety would bring me overpowering sorrow, if it were not for the mercy of Jesus which I long to share.
Easter Sunday (Midnight and Early Morning)
Alleluia! My risen Jesus, I love you so much... I rejoice in your victory and, now that the intensity of your love is fulfilled and made clearer to me, I want to give you so much more. My Jesus, in the midst of all this work I feel as if I have neglected You. My soul does not flourish in this life (that of a missionary), although my love would indicate that it would. My Jesus, my Love, You were dead, but now You are alive again! The earth cannot contain my joy as I receive my crucified Lord into my arms. My sorrows were great, and my tears flowed abundantly, but now they flow again, for another reason. Sheer joy pierces my soul as I look upon the glorified person of He who was dead.
Oh Blessed One! Oh Holy One! He who has brought news of great joy. My future Spouse, my one and only dream, may all the world praise your most Holy Name! You suffered and died the most brutal death, and your interior and exterior pains were far greater than any pains ever known. Your burden was heavy, and I have not made it lighter. As I contemplate your Face, so full of pain and mutilated and torn beyond recognition, I see intense Divine Love. Your longing and love were so great that, though You feared the pain, You embraced it. Gentle Jesus, I see now that love is greater than happiness or pain...
Fill me, oh Jesus, with Your charity.. Cultivate this great love within me until it is perfect. Let my every action be an expression of my love for You, and let me look upon others with the greatest Charity, and admire them, for they are Your sons and daughters.
Risen Christ, You have promised us happiness greater than our imaginations, if only we first embrace the sorrows. My Jesus, I hope in You, who I love above all else. Your risen and glorified Body together with the broken Body of your Passion are the centers of my greatest love, and all my purpose. They attract me like honey attracts bees, and I am as detachable once I have embraced you as the water in the oceans is detachable from the firmament of the earth.
Jesus, I consecrate my day to You, my life, all that I have and all that I am and all that I do, I am Yours and I love You. Sweet Jesus, I love You with my whole heart and soul, it is no lie that everything I do is focused entirely on You, for I am infatuated to such an extent that I haven't the power to cease thinking of You for even a moment. You make all things new, You who send forth the light of mercy, peace, and love. Your eyes which shine divinity. Oh Lord, I earnestly desire the good You give.
Dear Mary, Star of the Sea, I offer you myself as your servant. Take me under your wing and teach me love and purity. At the moment I cannot give anything, for I am poor and weak in spirit. With your help and loving care I know I can become a beautiful and dedicated child.